Love Just Is
by angie-chan1897
Summary: James's life is slowly crumbling down around. Losing his friends and girlfriend makes him remember old demons he's to weak to fight. Giving in isn't always the best. But somehow, one person pulls James from the darkness.
1. Chapter One: Ignorance

Love Just Is  
_by: angie-chan1897_  
  


**Chapter One**  
  
**T**here they were again. Holding hands, giggling, and having just a wonderful time. It made Remus sick to his stomach. That kind of sappy love should be left in romance novels where it belonged. Not in the real world, because love never truly happened that way. Remus stuck his nose back into the book his was reading. He could hear two girls gossip as they walked by and he knew they were at some kind of distance. Ah, the wonderful gifts of being a lycanthrope, extra-sensory hearing. They seemed to be going on about how they were the perfect couple. Remus scowled, to lovers be damned, though it was his best friend. He and Sirius had been neglected since James had started dating Lily. Apparently, James no longer had time to prank, or just hang around with the guys. Lily had him on a work schedule that took up his entire day. Even when a weekend finally approached, James would be going over homework or planning something with Lily and without Sirius and Remus. Remus saw James kiss Lily goodnight out of the corner of his eye. James blew his fringe out of his eyes as he flopped down on the couch next to Remus. Slamming his book shut, Remus stomped away from James and up the spiral staircase. James watched the fair-haired Gryffindor stalk up the stairs. Confused he followed, cornering him between at the top.  
  
"What is your problem?" he asked.   
  
"My problem?!" Remus snapped, facing the door to boys' dormitory. "My problem?"  
  
"Yes, your problem." James replied. "You've been like this since Lily and I have started dating."  
  
"I wonder why, James, I really wonder." Remus said sarcastically. "We never see you anymore."  
  
"We?"  
  
"Sirius and I, we used to be the closest of friends." Remus explained. "But ever since Lily came into the picture, you never have time for us anymore."  
  
"We're still close friends, mate." James replied. "It's just... things get complicated when you start dating someone."  
  
"Apparently incredibly complicated when your dating Lily Evans." Remus snapped. "She's got you trained like a little puppy dog!"  
  
"She has not!"   
  
"Try and see it from my point," Remus breathed. "we used to prank all the time, be wild and crazy, we used to just be guys. But it seems like you're just a step away from being a husband. I don't want to lose the James I met when I was eleven, and I don't think Sirius does either."  
  
"You won't, you have to believe me, Moony."   
  
"I really wish I could."   
  
Remus and James walked in silence toward the dormitory they shared. As James was changing into his pajamas, he thought about what Remus had said to him. Ever since Lily came into the pucture, you never have time for us... He was spending more time with Lily then need be, she's got you trained like a little puppy! He looked over towards Sirius's bed, the curtains were drawn and Remus was pulling his shut. He hadn't noticed they had been doing this lately. Maybe he was spending too much time with Lily. Maybe she did have him trained. Maybe, just maybe he had been neglecting Remus and Sirius. Well, whatever he'd done, he'd fix it tomorrow before breakfast.  
  
||¤||  
  
"Sirius? Remus?" James said quietly. "Can I talk to you both for a second?"  
  
They turned and faced James, they both looked slightly disgruntled. "Alright." they chorused.  
  
"Not here." James pulled them into a far corner of the Common Room. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" Sirius asked.  
  
"For neglecting you both. I recently been enlightened that I having been spending as much time with you as originally promised."  
  
"Well yeah! That bitch has got you trained like a show dog." James flinched as Sirius's harsh words. "Seriously, she walks around with you on her arm like a prize. I know that you're not a piece of property that can be given away to the highest bidder, but recently, I don't know anymore."  
  
James's face fell. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean, you wouldn't be doing the things that you do now. You wouldn't sit down and do your homework, you'd sit down and plan a prank. And you wouldn't plan your day, you used to be a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants guy. I really miss that, James. But now, I don't even know who you are." Sirius explained.   
  
"And you know he's right." Remus put in. "You used to be up for anything, especially when the full moon is out. Now I'm by myself some nights," Remus pulled up the sleeves of his robe, revealing scars. "and that's not good for me. I really thought I was done hurting myself, but apparently not."  
  
James stared at the scars. "I'm so sorry, Remus." he breathed.  
  
"Not as sorry as I am." Remus replied.  
  
"James! Hurry up, we're going to miss breakfast!" Lily's voice rang over the Common Room.  
  
James looked back to see his girlfriend, hands on hips, waiting for him. He looked back at his friends, who looked back at him.   
  
"I guess you're not eating breakfast with us again." Sirius mumbled.  
  
"Not a huge surprise." Remus added.  
  
"Please, don't do this to me." James pleaded.  
  
"You brought this on by yourself. We didn't do anything." Sirius snapped. "C'mon Remus, let's go get some breakfast."  
  
James watched as his "best" friends walked away from him. He was truly alone now. Of course there was Lily, but she couldn't understand the importance of male bonding. He slumped into one of the overstuffed chairs near him. Lily walked over, looking slightly angered.  
  
"What's the matter?" she asked.   
  
"I'm not hungry." he replied.  
  
"Oh come now, there's definitely something wrong." Lily smiled. "I know, you sulk when there's something wrong."  
  
"I'm not sulking." James replied.  
  
"Yes you are." Lily cooed, pincing James's cheek.  
  
James swatted the hand away. "Leave me alone."  
  
Lily was taken aback. "James?"

"I said, leave me alone." he stalked back up the spiral staircase.

Lily looked confused, but thought nothing on it. Maybe James was just having a bad day and she would she him in lessons. But she didn't. He wasn't in Potions, Charms, or Transfiguration. After dinner, Lily went up to James's room and found him laying on his bed, staring at a photograph. Lily sat beside him, nd James turned away.

"Please, tell me what's wrong." Lily pleaded.

"You don't deserve to know." James snapped, throwing the photo in his hands towards Lily. "You see that? That was taken the Christmas of my second year. We were that close, _that close_! But not anymore, I had to go and screw it all up."

"You haven't screwed anything up. They're still your friends."

"Not as of today. I neglected them for you." James sat up, tears streaking his pale face. "This all started because of you! Because I started dating you, because I was spending more time with you, because I gave up my life to be your trained show dog!"

Lily looked stunned. "I didn't do anything..."

"You did everything! Do you hear me, _everything_!" James screamed. "Go away, I don't want to speak with you anymore."

Lily got off the bed and left James's dormitory. She covered her face as she ran towards her domritory. She skipped her Astronomy class, going straight to bed. James lay on his bed, curled into the fetal positions. He'd scarficed everything good in his life. He pulled up his sleeves, the scars were still there. They wouldn't go away. He ran a slender finger over one, remembering back to when his parents had been killed. He remembered every single time he'd cut himself. He remembered when Sirius and Remus had been there for him, especially Remus. That boy scarficed so much for him and he barely gave anything back. He heard the door open and close and he knew it was them. Peter was with them as well, he could here the asmatic wheeze. James fell asleep, clutching his pillow to his chest, sniffling slightly.

||¤||

Well after midinight James awoke with the sudden urge to hurt himself. Hurt himself, badly. He rummaged in his bedside table for something... anything sharp. Finding an old razor blade, he put on his glasses and slipped out of bed. She padded down the corridor towards the bathrooms. Locking himself in a stall, he pulled off his pajama top and lightly traced an old scar with the blade. Then he pushed down, relishing in the luscious pain. He did it twice on each arm, letting the blood flow freely from the cuts. He slumped to the floor, ripping pieces of his pajama top into homemade bandages. James stared at his arms, it would only be this once. He didn't need this again. 

|||¤|||

**Author's Notes**: So how did you enjoy that? My first published fic. I know, it needs to be beta-read. The inspiration for the cutting comes from my friend who's currently in the hospital for both. So I think I might have a firm grasp on what cutting is. But this spurred from the deepest, darkest part of my subconscience (basically an evil plot-bunny that refused to die. And don't worry about the title, everything will be explained in the end.

¤~**angie-chan**~¤


	2. Chapter Two: The Demons Return

**Title: **Love Just Is  
**Author:** angie-chan1897  
**Rating: **PG13 to R  
**Warning(s): **self-mutilation, self-starvation, explicit language  
**Disclaimer: **_This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to __Bloomsbury__ Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._  
**Summary**: James's life is slowly crumbling down around. Losing his friends and girlfriend makes him remember old demons he's to weak to fight. Giving in isn't always the best. But somehow, one person pulls James from the darkness...  
**Category(ies): **Angst / Drama / Romance  
**Spoilers:** NONE  
**Archive(d):** At my site and anywhere else (just ask first)  
**Author's Notes: **Kewlie! Check out my new page header! I lurve it! Anyhoo, this is the second chapter to my well received first chapter of Love Just Is. So please enjoy the next installment, picking up slightly where we left off.

* * *

**Love Just Is**  
by: angie-chan1897

**Chapter Two – The Demons Return**

**W**ell after midinight James awoke with the sudden urge to hurt himself. Hurt himself, badly. He rummaged in his bedside table for something... anything sharp. Finding an old razor blade, he put on his glasses and slipped out of bed. She padded down the corridor towards the bathrooms. Locking himself in a stall, he pulled off his pajama top and lightly traced an old scar with the blade. Then he pushed down, relishing in the luscious pain. He did it twice on each arm, letting the blood flow freely from the cuts. He slumped to the floor, ripping pieces of his pajama top into homemade bandages. James stared at his arms, it would only be this once. He didn't need this again.

-----(¤)-----

James stared at the fresh lacerations on his arm. Cut from the old scars, they bleed worse then ever before. James pulled out a razor from his pocket, sliding it across a scar that hadn't been opened yet. A sharp intake of breath was the only sound heard as he watched the blood flow from his arm. He pulled the gauze he'd stolen from Madam Pomfrey's stash and wrapped the wound. He blew his fringe out of his face and headed from his next lesson. He was ashamed of himself. He promised, only that once, but now it had gotten out of hand again. He glimsped himself in the windows and scowled. He was incredibly pale, his hazel-gold eyes standing out more prominently. He gotten so thin, all the muscle he'd gained by playing Quidditch had simply wasted away. The wolf whistle sound just as he entered the classroom. Professor McGonagall looked at his with disdain, then instructed him to take a seat.

"Today, we'll be learning about Animagi, surely one of you can tell me a bit about them." she asked the class.

Lily's hand flew into the air. "Animagus or animagi are people who willing turn into animals. It is believed to be a very complicated process of magic, but once mastered it can have wonderful advantages."

"Very good, Ms. Evans, ten points to Gryffindor." Professor McGonagall nodded. "Anyone else?"

Lucius Malfoy's raised slowly into the air. "Isn't it true that once you become an animagus, you _must _register with the Ministry. Becoming an illegal animagus can have severe consequences."

"Also true, ten points to Slytherin."

James noted that Peter and Sirius moved uncomfortable in their chairs after Malfoy had mentioned the 'severe consequences' of becoming an illegal animagus. He should have squirmed himself, but he didn't have the strength. He lazily paid attention to McGonagall's lesson. He'd already learned all there was to know about animagi when Sirius, Peter, and himself took it upon themselves to become them. The wolf whistle sounded, signaling the end of the lesson. McGonagall assigned a one and a half foot essay on animagus and the abilities to detect what kind of animal the caster would become and the advantages to being a animagus. As James rose to leave, McGonagall called him to the front of the class.

"Potter, I've been noticing lately that you seem very pale and have a general dislike of food. Care to explain these actions?" she asked.

James looked at the floor and then to his Head of House. "I've just been a little under the weather lately."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh." James nodded.

"Have you seen Madam Pomfrey about this?"

"No..." James began. "But it's just a passing cold. Nothing to get all worked up about."

Professor McGonagall nodded slightly. "Alright, but I want you in tip-top condition for tomorrow's game against Hufflepuff."

"Yes ma'am." James replied.

She motioned him to leave. James pulled the strap of his book bag over his shoulder. James milled over the words that Professor McGonagall had said to him. _In tip-top condition_, he was far from it. He hadn't eaten in God-knows-when, and by his pale complexion it was evident that he'd lost a lot of blood. Not noticing where he was going he smacked into something. Something _warm_.

"Oh sorr—nevermind, it's just you." James scowled.

Malfoy raised his eyebrows slightly. "Just _me_. Some would be on their knees begging forgiveness."

"Well I'm not part of that _some_. Excuse me." James made a move to leave, but Malfoy blocked his path.

"I heard your little conversation with McGonagall." Malfoy looked down at James. "Tip-top condition seems pretty out of your reach right now."

"What would you know?" James snapped. "And further more, why would you care?"

"I want to beat you fairly in the Finals." Malfoy replied. "I don't want to play against the pitiful excuse for a Seeker."

James rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'm not in my top condition, but it's Hufflepuff. I have no need to be." he made another move to leave.

"Ah, ah. I still highly doubt that." Malfoy stared at James.

Then James noticed it. The usual gaze of malice or even malevolence was missing from Malfoy's eyes. It had been replaced by empathy. Malfoy was concerned for his well-being? James mentally giggled himself silly, Malfoys never cared for anyone but _themselves_.

"Like I said before, why do _you_, of all people, give a flying fuck about my condition."

"I have my reasons." Malfoy brushed some nonexsistent lint from his jumper.

"Like..." James prodded.

"None that should really be swimming around your little head." Mafloy replied.

"Right... well... I must be going." James made another move to leave, only to have Malfoy pin him against the wall.

"Remember _James_, I know more about you than you think I know." Malfoy's eyes narrowed. "Like my father always told me, keep your friends close but your enemies closer."

"I hope you know, that's a cliched muggle term."

Malfoy huffed and let James go. That encounter seemed to have less hostility then his previous ones. That look on Malfoy's face, those silver eyes glowing with empathy. It frightened him slightly that Malfoy spared a moment out of his conceited exsistence to send some sort of pity to him. He looked at his watch, he had forty-six minutes left of his free period. He might as well make the best of that time.

----------(¤)----------

On Saturday before the match with Hufflepuff, James rushed out to the Quidditch pitch well before the game even began. He sat in the locker room, wrapping athletic tape over the bandages on his forearms. He pulled on his scarlet and gold jumper, tan trousers, and laced up his black boots. He walked to the broom shed and grabbed his Nimbus 1500 from it's slot. He walked out onto the pitch green and sighed heavily. He had the hugest urge, more like a craving, to cut himself. He flipped a leg over his broom and took off. He hadn't flown in awhile and flying was exhilarating, but the craving was still there. Burrowing into the wall he built up by the feeling of flight. He knew if he cut himself he wouldn't be able to play. He kept himself razor-free for the last nineteen hours, he could go a little longer. He noticed a figure in viridian atire and silver-blnde hair below him. He growled and landed two feet from Malfoy.

"So how goes the marathon?" he asked.

"Marathon?" James looked confused.

"Your little razor marathon." Malfoy replied. James was taken aback. How would Malfoy know? "Don't think I didn't notice your little runs to the unused lavatory on the fourth floor. There's only one reason someone goes there. Either to get tweaked or cut themselves."

"How would you know?" James snapped.

"McNair and I would wait until you left just to get high." Malfoy replied. "Wrapping your arms as you leave, you're getting sloppy."

"Sloppy?" James raised an eyebrow.

"The tiny drops of blood on the floor, the razors wrapped in gauze underneath the last toliet seat, and of course the most obvious."

"What's the most obvious?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me." Malfoy was closing the space between them.

James walked around the tall blonde and walked towards the locker rooms. He made note that Malfoy was following him. So upon reaching the Gryffindor locker rooms, he slammed the door in the blonde's face. Throwing his broom onto the floor, he opened his locker and began digging into it. Pulling a brand-new razor from the bottom, he pulled up his sleeves and began to slice through the athletic tape and gauze. Once his arm was free, he made to cut himself only to have the razor stolen away from him.

"Give it back! It's mine!" James barked.

"You don't need it." Malfoy countered.

"Yes I do!" James pleaded. "I'm only going to ask you once, give it back!"

"No, you have no use for it."

"YES I DO!" James screamed.

"Better get ready, Potter, almost game time." Malfoy smirked, walking out of the locker room, pocketing the razor.

"**_ARRRGGGHHH_**!!!"

James kicked the lockers and threw his bracer across the room. He was acting childish. He went and retrieved his bracer. Walking back he saw Sirius and two other chasers walk into the locker room. James pulled down his sleeve just in time. He grabbed the bag he'd brought with him and headed toward the bathrooms. He sat quietly covering his wounds with gauze then wrapping it with athletic tape. Soon he heard his voice being called by the team captain, Markous Heirlune. James zoned out through the customary pep talk.

"Alright team, let's get out there and win!" the team cheered and Markous pulled James aside. "I want you to lolly about for awhile. It's only Hufflepuff, so after we're thirty to forty points up, go for the snitch."

"Okay." James replied.

* * *

**Author's Note: **The long awaited next chapter! Hurrah, I updated! Took me two months but I did it! Anyhoo, I am **_well_** aware that in the books, James is a Chaser and not a Seeker. My friend Ana is constantly reminding me, but making James the Seeker opted for a greater plot twist later on. So please understand, I'm not ignorant, I just chose to do something different. Now I better not get the review saying "JAMES IS A CHASER NOT A SEEKER, YOU FUCKWIT!". Thanks for reading, please review!

¤**-angie-chan**-¤


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